Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
