broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
