I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
