I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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