well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
