I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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