He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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