you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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