definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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