Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
