i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
