On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
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