I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize