this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
