Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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