I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I think I just sharted jello shots
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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