Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
