Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
