I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
