Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
