I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize