So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I could fuck to npr.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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