i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
