she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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