Best friends brother. Beat that.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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