Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize