First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Im part way to drunk.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
