I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
