I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize