I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
