My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
