My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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