Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
