I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
