I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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