I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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