Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
