He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
