So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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