I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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