Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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