Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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