Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Randomize
