It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
we're so committed to being not committed
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
