Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize