im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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