in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize