he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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