Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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