I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
