DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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