I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
