i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize