it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
