i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
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