theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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