theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
