I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
