So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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