Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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