You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
