I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
