youre lurking in front of me
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
