like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
