he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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