If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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