Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize