My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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